Partners ·
All loving relationships involve effort and compromise and all partnerships experience rocky periods. The discovery that you are HIV-positive can put a strain on you and your partner, whatever his status. It’s important that you both try to be open and honest about your feelings.
If your other half is negative, you’re in what the science bods call a serodiscordant relationship. That just means you have a different HIV status, not that it’s ‘discordant’ in the sense of being difficult. Some folk prefer the term ‘magnetic’, as in opposites that are attracted. Many negative men deal very well with the news that their partner has tested positive but there can be hurdles to overcome.
Research shows that sex can become a problem for many such couples, particularly in the period immediately after diagnosis. The negative partner may be fearful of contracting the virus. The positive partner can be so concerned about the possibility of infecting the other that he can’t relax enough to enjoy sex. Remember, as long as you are having safer sex, your partner isn’t taking any more risks than when your status was unknown to you both. In fact, some couples in this situation say their sex lives have become more caring and creative as a result.
You may be so busy dealing with your own reaction to being positive that you don’t fully take in what it means for your partner. Some negative partners of positive men have reported feeling that there was little or no support for them. Sometimes they even feel guilty that they are negative, especially if both partners were tested at the same time.
Some negative partners respond to the news by swinging into ‘carer’ mode, taking charge of their lover’s health care and meds regime. You may feel grateful for this, or you may feel patronised. As the positive partner of a negative man, you may feel resentful that you’re the one who got ‘the bad news’. Any or all of these feelings are natural and understandable. Be sure to talk them through together.
“My partner has been quite good with the regime of the medication. In the morning he’ll say ‘Have you taken your tablets yet?’ He looks after me that way.” – Andy
It’s easy to assume relationships where both partners are positive are more straightforward. After all, you’re both ‘in the same boat’. If you’ve tested positive at the same time, you can be a great source of support to each other, although it’s worth remembering people deal with positive results in different ways and at their own pace. If your partner was already positive, his experience of living with HIV could be a valuable resource for you: but his experience, especially if he was diagnosed a long time ago and you recently, may be very different.
One situation that may need to be dealt with is where it was your partner who infected you. You may have discussed the situation, negotiated the kind of safety you wanted in sex and been prepared to take the risks, but people don’t always react to diagnosis in the way they expect. You may blame your partner or yourself, or he may blame himself. It’s worth while keeping in mind that HIV transmission can occur even when people try their best to prevent it.
Many people imagine that safer sex is no longer an issue for couples where both partners are positive. That may not be the case.
In the first place, if your relationship is not monogamous and you have sex with other people you can of course still pass on other sexually transmitted infections to each other. Conditions such as Hepatitis B or C or syphilis can be especially dangerous to positive guys and can be prevented by safer sex.
Secondly, you can become ‘superinfected’ with a second or subsequent strain of HIV. This may not have clinical consequences, but if one partner has become resistant to an anti-HIV therapy, he may transmit the drug-resistant strain of the virus to his partner. This can be a particular issue of one partner is on HIV medication (and therefore undetectable) and the other one isn’t.
Remember that most of the challenges you face in a loving relationship are universal. Everyone, regardless of their HIV status, experiences periods when the course of true love isn’t running as smoothly as they’d like. All couples bicker about whose turn it is to do the hoovering or who cooked dinner last. The most important thing is to always keep the lines of communication open and to seek support if and when you need it.
“Trust relates to honesty, I suppose. Being in a relationship, you can have complete honesty with each other about what you’ve done and what your thoughts and feelings are. I would hope that I would be the kind of person someone could talk to.” – Jonathan
“After nearly two decades of being HIV-positive, my relationship ended, leaving me feeling very isolated and alone. Clinical and support organisations have made all the difference and are an excellent resource, whether you are newly diagnosed or just need support.” – Joseph
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